The Townsville vs Cairns Comedy Roast Battle (part of the North Australian Festival of Arts), left us wanting more. So here it is! Four Townsville and Cairns comedians up for another healthy sledging.
Above: Clare Morgan, SJ Peake, Susan Mattocks and Chris Irvine
Name: Clare Morgan
Occupation: Stand Up Comic
Company: Little Death Comedy
Representing: Cairns
Were you born in Cairns? No, but Cairns has been my home for 18 years, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. What’s the most ‘Townsville thing’ you’ve seen or experienced visiting there? People from Townsville love to call it the ‘Unofficial Capital’ of Queensland, but Townsville isn’t even the ‘Unofficial Capital’ of Ingham. What’s the most appropriate name for Townsville newborns? Going by the same formula they used to name Townsville I’m going to say the most popular name for newborns is Childkid. What has Cairns got that Townsville doesn’t? The Daintree Rainforest and The Great Barrier Reef. Townsville has dust and a botanic garden with only palm trees in it. Townsville has voted for Adani to try and level the playing field. Say you’re appointed by the Premier to unite our two cities. How would you do it? I’d charter a helicopter and stimulate each town’s economy with my $180 a day meal allowance. Make a 5-minute speaking appearance, talk about how good I am and kiss some babies. Who’d win a roast battle between Cairns Mayor Bob Manning and Townsville Mayor Jenny Hill? If Bob Manning had spectacularly lousy luck on the day of the debate and didn’t mop the floor with Jenny Hill, he’d still be the winner. Because he lives in Cairns.
Name: SJ Peake
Occupation: Theatre Manager
Company: Paramour Cabaret Theatre
Representing: Cairns
Were you born in Cairns? I’m as much ‘from Cairns’ as Johnathon Thurston is ‘from Townsville’. What’s the most ‘Townsville thing’ you’ve seen or experienced visiting there? I bought a souvenir from Townsville once. It was a snow globe, but with dust inside. What’s the most appropriate name for Townsville newborns? I’m not sure what the most common name for newborns is in Townsville. Maybe check with the ABS? But I do think it’s ‘appropriate’ to allow Townsville parents to choose their own names for their newborns. What has Cairns got that Townsville doesn’t? A thriving comedy scene with talented, funny comedians. Townsville invite us here for all their big gigs to compensate. Say you’re appointed by the Premier to unite our two cities. How would you do it? Create the Townsville Exit Strategy – subsidised relocation to Cairns. We all know the rivalry only really exists because of jealousy. Who’d win a roast battle between Cairns Mayor Bob Manning and Townsville Mayor Jenny Hill? Cairns will actually win, but the records will show that Townsville won.
Name: Susan Mattocks
Occupation: Voyeur
Company: I prefer my own company, just saying…
Representing: Townsville
Were you born in Townsville? No. What’s the most ‘Cairns thing’ you’ve seen or experienced visiting there? Obviously, I avoid going to Cairns but on the occasions when I have been obligated to go, I’ve noticed a deep sense of regret and disappointment… as tourists get off the plane. What are some of the most appropriate names for Cairns newborns? Citrus Magik, Harpik Whyte, Lemon, Glayde Plugins, Ajaxx, Organika, Febreeze, Pine-Apple or Pi-Nappel, Braeleen – gender neutral name. What has Townsville got that Cairns doesn’t? Class, style, dignity…should I go on? Say you’re appointed by the Premier to unite our two cities. How would you do it? Naked mud wrestling to highlight Cairns’ most notable asset. Who’d win a roast battle between Cairns Mayor Bob Manning and Townsville Mayor Jenny Hill? Duh! Jenny Hill of course… she’s a woman. Truthfully though, I actually think they would get on very well. I think Jenny would take a shine to Mr Manning… probably with Mr Sheen… to buff up his chrome dome.
Name: Chris Irvine
Occupation: Entertainer
Company: The Comedy Generation
Representing: Townsville
Were you born in Townsville? No. Born in regional Victoria and grew up in the Northern Territory. I live in Townsville by choice. What’s the most ‘Cairns thing’ you’ve seen or experienced visiting there? Their performance at last year’s Comedy Roast Battle. Their ‘best’ were woefully unprepared and appeared to have given up before we’d even warmed up. Much like the Cairns Taipans. What’s the most appropriate name for Cairns newborns? Poor Unfortunate Souls. What has Townsville got that Cairns doesn’t? Johnathan Thurston. Cairns has the Taipans, which is no compensation whatsoever. Say you’re appointed by the Qld Premier to unite our two cities. How would you do it? An Area 51-style invasion, minus the alien cheek-clapping. Peace through superior firepower. Who’d win a roast battle between Cairns Mayor Bob Manning and Townsville Mayor Jenny Hill? Definitely Jenny. If all else fails, a flying elbow drop off the top of Castle Hill onto the Cairns mudflats should score the pinfall. One, two, three.